


The Hex Files

by Half_the_battle



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: F/F, Frenemies, Insults for days, Lost in the Woods, One Shot, Pizzie humour, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21691129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_the_battle/pseuds/Half_the_battle
Summary: Lost in the woods, Penelope and Lizzie run into some trouble and must find their way out. Without killing eachother. Will our favourite frenemy duo succeed?Just a fun Pizzie one shot. The world needs more Pizzie.
Relationships: Hope Mikaelson/Lizzie Saltzman, Penelope Park & Lizzie Saltzman, Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 9
Kudos: 136





	The Hex Files

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't given up on my other story, I promise, I'm just a little stuck! However, I just couldn't get this idea out of my head. These two are pure comedy gold. I enjoy them so much. Hope you all enjoy and feel free to throw some kudos or comments my way! ;)

“Dun dun....”

I roll my eyes and huff out a strained breath as I continue to walk down a rather steep hill. The trees surrounding the area were thick, but not enough that the sun couldn’t shine through. If I wasn’t annoyed all to hell and utterly frustrated, I might have taken the time to enjoy the beautiful sight. Unfortunately, my head was about to fucking explode. 

“Dun, dun...”

I bite my lip in order to stop myself from blurting out the many, many mean and hurtful things that were itching to jump out of my mouth. No Penelope. Just...don’t do it. You are doing this for Josie. I flick my eyes over to my companion in warning but am immediately ignored. That’s a real shocker there. I then practically stumble my way down the rest of the hill, trying not to fall on my face. Hopefully a little distance might save my sanity.

“Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun dun...” 

“Oh would you shut the fuck up, Lizzie?!” I growl, turning to glare at the leggy blonde, who apparently had no trouble getting down the hill at all. Bitch. “It’s bad enough we are out here in the middle of bumblefuck, the last thing I want to listen to is the Jaws theme song!” I practically yell, before looking up in thought. “Or just like, your voice in general is like nails on a damn chalkboard.” She lets out a huff and rolls her eyes. 

“Well having to watch your flat ass,” She pauses, letting out a snicker, “...Humpty Dumpty itself down the hill isn’t exactly a dream of mine either, but I'm trying to make light of a dire situation.” Lizzie retorts, crossing her arms over her chest. I sigh, and run a hand through my hair. “Do you even know where we are, Raiders of the lost Park?” She quips, raising an eyebrow. I suppose she could have compared me to... “Where’s your fucking backpack, Dora?” Oh you dumb, candy wrapper whore. It’s on. 

“It probably crawled up your gigantic ass and died, TinkerHell. Instead of lunging for my jugular with words, why don’t you do some actual fucking lunges to help with that?” I reply, allowing a small smirk to appear on my face. Lizzie looks highly offended, which brings me great joy. I did try to not insult her. I did. However, if you can’t beat them, join them, right? “Now stop squawking like a dying banshee and let’s get the hell out of here.” I continue to walk in the direction I believe is correct, not checking to see if she was behind me. I really didn’t care. Nope. Not. At. All....

A sudden scream rips through the air and I immediately turn around, hand raised, ready to fire off the first spell I can think of to protect her, but that instinct soon fades when I see the reason why she screamed. Are you fucking kidding me? 

“Oh god, it’s gonna attack me! I’m gonna die a painful, underappreciated death and miss out on my whole life!” Lizzie wails, while cowering slightly against a tree. I snort in disbelief as I walk towards her. “Hope and I won’t get to get married or have children o-or...Miss Mystic Falls! I won’t get to win this year!” She practically cries and I can’t help but roll my eyes. Fucking drama queen. 

“Oh no. Whatever shall we do?” I deadpan, an unimpressed look on my face. Lizzie glares at me and then points on the ground. 

“Kick it! Kick it in the dick, Park! I refuse to rot in this hellhole with actual trash as my only companion.” She says, her tone full of disdain. I roll my eyes before letting out a scoff and pointing at the thing on the ground. The cute, tiny, chubby cheeked creature. 

“It’s a tiny, little chipmunk, Lizzie. Grow a pair and step the fuck around it.” I say, slightly amused but ultimately annoyed. Lizzie looks aghast at the mere thought. “Maybe take a step in the direction of that small cliff over there...” I add, causing her to glare at me. “Just a suggestion.” I add, holding up my hands in defence.

“Look, those things are unpredictable, ok? Just....make it fucking move before I tell Josie that you were the one who burned her favourite sweater last Christmas.” She threatens and I nearly gasp. That play place barbie reject. How dare she?! I accidentally set it on fire because I was trying to cook supper...it wasn’t my fault that it just happened to be on top of the stove. Total accident. I swear. I didn’t do it because it was the most hideous thing I've seen in my life. Nope. I love Josie. 

“You wouldn’t dare.” We glare at eachother in an epic stare down before we get interrupted by a little squeak. We both turn to our left and see another chipmunk staring at the both of us. We turn to eachother in confusion before looking back at the chipmunk and suddenly there were two. What the hell? “Umm, what the fuck is happening?” I question, more to myself than anything. 

“Oh god. They’re multiplying.” Lizzie says, in absolute horror. We look on the other side and sure enough, there were more chipmunks. “It’s like an episode of 1000 ways to die; we’re just gonna be another fucking statistic!” She whines, and for once, I'm unsure of what to say. I eye the creatures around us and, to be honest, even I was becoming a little uncomfortable myself. 

“Why are there so many?” I question, in disbelief as we look around us. At this point, it’s safe to say that they have substantially grown in numbers and I now feel overly nervous. The chipmunks are just staring at us, making little squeaks every now and again. 

“Fuck 1000 ways to die, we’re gonna be on a fucking episode of the Hex Files!” Lizzie says, nervously. Ok, that was a good one. The Hex Files: A chip off the ole munk. “We should leave. I think one just licked its lips at me and I suddenly feel super uncomfortable.” She finishes and I scoff. 

“Uncomfortably annoying.” I mutter, still eyeing the little creatures. Lizzie shoots me a glare. “Alright, let’s just slowly back away.” I offer, and after a moment, she nods and we both begin to slowly inch backwards, away from them. If only it were that easy. 

“Oh sweet lord, did that one just growl?!” Lizzie questions, her eyes widening. I open my mouth to make fun of her when I suddenly hear it too. My eyes snap to the tiny little army of chubby cheeked rodents and sure enough, they’re fucking growling at us. Well, this just can’t be good. “Hey, watch yourselves you overgrown raisins!” I arch an eyebrow and turn to her for a moment, but she merely shrugs. I sigh. 

“Don’t antagonize them, Moby Bitch, I'd rather not be stored in their homes for winter, thanks.” I growl, turning back to the fucking millions of chipmunks. What the actual fuck is this? Alvin and the cannibals? Ohhhh I have a bad feeling about this. More growling noises are heard and I can’t help but quicken my pace a bit. 

“Ok, well, how about you make like your girlfriend and light them the fuck on fire!” She offers, and I frown. Josie wasn’t that obsessed with....ok, maybe a little. 

“Why don't you make like your girlfriend and annoy them until they die?!” I practically shout, turning an almost frantic look towards her. She stares at me, an unimpressed look on her face. “Oh no, wait, that one is you.” Lizzie rolls her eyes before huffing out a breath. “Besides, I can’t just set them on fire, Lizzie! It smells bad enough with you here, let alone the smell of rotting animal carcass.” I cringe at the thought. 

“Well do something, Satan,” She snarls, eyeing the little creatures who just seem to be closing in on us rather quickly. “Can’t you summon your demons from hell?” I scoff and shoot her a glare. “I mean, you’re a witch! Act like one!” She snarls, but I hear the apprehension in her voice. 

“YOU’RE A WITCH.” I growl, stating the obvious. Honestly, I would have probably been fine doing it on my own but I didn’t even know what spell to use in a situation like this. 

“Umm, it’s not like I'm a Siphoner with no magic of my own or anything.” She deadpans, causing me to narrow my eyes at her. 

“You have the necklace that Mikaelson gave you for your birthday that stores magic, numbskull, which I know isn’t empty.” I retort, widening my eyes a little. Lizzie looks chastised for a moment but another louder growl draws our attention back to the problem at hand. Right, angry pine cones from hell. 

“Ok, new plan. You stay here and distract them and I'll go help Josie plan your funeral.” Lizzie says, and I'm only slightly nervous about the fact that she sounds serious. The growling increases and it’s only then that I realize that they’re getting way to close to us. Fuck me. 

“That plan blows, I like my plan a lot better.” I say, my eyes not leaving the beady eyed bastards as they inched closer. Lizzie turns her head to me. 

“Well what’s your brilliant plan, Einstein?”

“Run and pray that you trip so they can dine and fill up on your fat ass.” I reply, quickly before taking off at a speed I didn’t know my body could go. Survival instincts at their finest.

“Don’t you leave me here to die, you dildo!!!” I hear Lizzie yell, and part of me wants to turn around and make sure she’s alright...I mean, Josie would burn my ass straight to hell if I let her sister die, but the bigger and less responsible part of me wants to just leave Abercrombie and Bitch in the dust. I’m sure I can come up with a believable lie that doesn’t get me sent to the doghouse by my lady. I’d rather not share a confined space with Hope....wait a second. Confined space. That’s it! My eyes rapidly scan the area until I spot what I'm looking for. 

“Head for that cave!” I yell, pushing my legs faster. When I reach the entrance, I hear Lizzie pant behind me and I quickly grab her and all but shove her in the entrance. She opens her mouth to protest but I ignore her and step inside, quickly lifting my hand towards the entrance. 

“Inteo.” I chant, letting out a sigh of relief internally when the beady motherfuckers suddenly stop at the entrance. “Thank god.” I mutter, sitting down on a nearby rock. 

“Great, you trapped us in here with no other way out. We also have no food or water. Fantastic job, dumbass.” Lizzie growls, before sitting down against the opposite wall. I roll my eyes. 

“Please, be my guest and throw yourself to the pissed off Kiwi’s that are currently watching our every move.” I say, nonchalantly. “No really, please, go right ahead. Let me know how that works out for you, Grizzly Adams.” I finish, before crossing my arms and gesturing towards the entrance. Lizzie mutters quietly to herself and for a few moments, there is silence. Sweet, sweet silence. What the fuck are we gonna do now? 

After about an hour, the chipmunks still remained at the entrance and I was about ready to offer myself as their sacrifice. Like, why the fuck did I decide to go out on a hike with the most annoying and bitchiest person I know instead of staying in bed with my bombshell of a girlfriend?! Oh right, Josie and Hope made us. They seemed to think that the blonde siphoner and I needed to ‘bond’ more. That things might be a little bit easier if we actually became friends. Stupid, but beautiful, Josie and her stupid little pleading, pouty smile. I was tricked. 

“You think that by now, they would just scurry off and go straight back to the hell hole they came from, but noooooo,” Lizzie says, dramatically throwing her arms in the air. “...instead they decide to park their scrawny asses in front of the entrance,” She pauses, shooting a glare in the direction of the tiny creatures who are still there. “...AND FUCKING CONTINUE TO STARE IN HERE LIKE CREEPS!” She screams. To who she is screaming at is a good question. 

I rub my temples, trying to relieve the constant headache I seem to always have in her presence. This whole thing was stupid. I mean, who gets chased by a pack of angry chipmunks?! If anybody at Salvatore heard about this, we would be the laughing stock of the school and my reputation would be tarnished. Something had to be done. It was getting dark out and soon enough, someone would come looking for us and the last thing I want to happen is for Josie and Hope to find us. They would never let us live it down. So, once again, I must be the responsible fucking adult and make nice with the Incredible Bitch. Fuck me. 

“Ok, let’s not scream at the tiny walnuts who are seemingly ignoring you, just as I wish I could.” I snark, smirking slightly when she scoffs. “We need a game plan cause you know as well as I do that if either Josie or Hope find us in this situation, we will never hear the end of it.” I say, knowingly. Lizzie sighs heavily. “We need to call a temporary truce until we get out of here.” 

“I can’t believe I'm gonna say this....but you’re right. The last thing I need is for this whole thing to hang over my head until I die.” She concedes, wrapping her arms around her knees. She looks up at me. “What are we supposed to do though? They have literally sanctioned a damn base out there and are eyeing us up like a 5 course meal.” We both turn to look at the entrance and see a bunch of those bastards just staring in here. 

“Well, the only thing we can do is force our way out. We’re fucking witches, we can take them.” I growl, standing up. Lizzie just lifts an eyebrow in my direction, causing me to deflate a little. “What? They’re like 2 pounds each, Lizzie. How hard can it be to get passed those things?” I question, shrugging my shoulders. Lizzie sighs and leans her head back against the wall. “What?”

“Do you know why I don’t like you?” She asks, a serious look on her face. I scoff and roll my eyes. “No, honestly. Do you know why?” I sigh heavily and sit back down, across from her. I throw my hands up. 

“I’m sure there are many reasons.” 

“I don’t like you because of what you did earlier, when we first found the lint balls from hell.” She states, and I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. I mean...there are plenty of reasons why she shouldn’t like me, but I didn’t see that one coming. Before I can open my mouth to ask, she continues. “You were pissed at me and walking away but as soon as you heard me scream, you immediately turned around, ready to take on whatever it was that scared me.” She pauses, looking at her fidgeting hands. “You’re braver than I am and I hate it.” She confesses, continuing to look at the ground. I almost reel back in shock. Did she just....compliment me?! 

“I did what anyone would have. That doesn’t make me brave, Lizzie. It makes me human.” I reply, matter of factly. “Well, half human.” Lizzie chuckles bitterly. 

“Most people would have kept running and you know it. I mean, you never back down from anyone or anything and this situation is no different.” She replies, looking back up at me. “The thing is, you never even hesitated. You don’t even like me and yet you were willing to protect me anyways at the drop of a hat.” She states, almost disbelievingly, “Part of me wonders if I would have done the same.” She mutters, casting her eyes away from mine. 

“You’re not a bad person, Lizzie. A royal pain in my ass, maybe,” I pause, letting a small chuckle, to which she smiles faintly. “...but you aren’t a bad person.” I watch as she wraps her arms around her knees again. 

“I try so hard to get people to like me. To notice me. I want to be a good person but sometimes I feel like I have to work twice as hard just to prove myself, ya know? Everyone just sees me as the crazy girl who can’t control her emotions, so rather than be brave and prove them wrong, I just find it easier to be a bitch.” She finishes, and I nod understandingly. 

Seeing Lizzie like this was so out of my depth. I’ve never seen the girl be vulnerable in front of anyone but Josie and Hope, so this was new to me. However, it also helps me understand her a little more and as much as it pains me to admit it, her and I aren’t really that different. We both crave approval and attention. We struggle with our own emotions on the daily and we both use sarcasm and insults as a defence mechanism. I clear my throat and sigh. 

“Do you wanna know why Josie always invites me to your holiday dinners?” I ask, and after a moment, Lizzie turns her eyes back to mine. She waits a second before nodding. I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. “Holiday dinners at the Park Estate are nothing more than condescending remarks and lectures about how much of a disappointment I am. How I will never amount to anything in life because I chose to stay and slum it with the heathens in Salvatore.” I say, rolling my eyes angrily. I shake my head and throw a rock towards the entrance of the cave in frustration. “The year before last, when I went there for Thanksgiving, I told them about Josie and they immediately stuck up their nose and told me I could do better and refused to invite her into our home. Instead of defending Josie to them, like I should have, I just got up and left. I haven’t heard from them since.” I say, a small frown on my face. “I may do some pretty ballsy shit sometimes, but I'm not brave. I’m just a coward hiding behind a badass.” I sigh and can feel my stupid eyes glaze over at the thought of my parents. I look up at the ceiling of the cave, willing myself not to fucking cry in front of Lizzie Saltzman. Though she doesn’t say anything, I can tell she’s thinking. 

“Well, they’re assholes, Penelope.” She states, looking up in thought, “If parenting was an actual job, they’d be the lazy fuckers who hide in the TV aisle from some bitch named Karen who thinks she needs to speak to a manager.” I snicker at her words, before shooting her a small, grateful smile. “Worst case scenario, you could always just get my sister to fire them.” She offers, a smirk on her face. We stare at eachother for a moment before we both end up laughing. Ok, so Josie really does like fire. Who am I to judge that?  
“Ok, fuck this shit, I want to go home and sleep in an actual bed with Hope and these stupid cottonballs dipped in rabies are preventing me from doing that.” Lizzie snarls, shooting a glare at the entrance of the cave as she stands up. I look up at her in disgust at the thought of her and Mikaelson in a bed. 

“Where sleeping dogs lie....” I quip, trailing off as she turns her glare at me. I shrug, only slightly apologetic. “Old habits die hard.” I offer, before standing up myself. I watch as Lizzie turns back to the entrance before suddenly lighting up. “Is that a lightbulb I see, or did an idea just pop into your head?” I ask, walking up to her. She smiles.

“I have a great idea.”

10 MINUTES LATER

She did not, in fact, have a great idea. Oh no. It actually ended up being a terrible idea that definitely exploded like a busted fire hydrant in our faces. Which is why we end up running for our fucking lives, for what felt like hours, through the woods as many soaked AND pissed off truffles from hell chase us. Note to self, DO NOT trust Lizzie to actually have a good idea when she says so. It is false. Also note to self, do not use a water spell on Chipmunks. Ever. It’s like watering a demon chia pet. They just continue to grow....they also bite. 

After running for a gazillion years, Lizzie and I finally see the entrance of the Salvatore school and nearly cry in relief as we bolt for the entrance. She reaches the door and yanks it open, allowing me to run in first before we both turn to slam the door shut behind us, effectively ending our nightmare. We’re both breathing hard and turn to look at one another. It’s silent for a moment before we both cheer and hug eachother, excitedly. 

“Umm what is happening right now?” We turn our heads to look at Hope and Josie, who have their eyebrows raised, twin looks of amusement on their faces. 

“Are you two actually hugging?!” Josie questions, mockingly, a smirk on her face. Hope snickers. “I think our plan actually worked, Hope! They’re totally besties now!” She jokes, the stupid, but sexy, smirk doesn’t leave her face. 

“Our girls are growing up, Jo.” Hope replies, wiping an invisible tear from her eye. It was only then that Lizzie and I turn our heads to look at eachother, noticing that we are, in fact, still hugging. The reaction is instantaneous. We both spring away from eachother, looks of disgust on our faces as we wipe away the imaginary cooties from ourselves. 

“If I wanted a prostitute barbie to touch me, I'd go to Ken’s whorehouse.” I growl, glaring at the blonde who returns it just as fiercely. 

“Go hide in a sewer to lure children in you knock-off, ass clown.” Lizzie retorts, causing me to scoff. 

“Well here’s a fuckin’ red balloon, Elizabitch, come on the fuck down.” I snark, before turning to stalk off in the opposite direction just as she does the same. 

“Lick a taser.”

“Tongue a rattlesnake.” 

Both of us continue to walk away, ignoring the embarrassment about being caught and the obnoxious laughter coming from our girlfriends. Some things will never change.


End file.
